It’s 11:08 a.m. March 23rd. Yesterday, Claudia my assistant brought me four single serving bags of milk
chocolate M&M’s (used to be called ‘M&M’s plain chocolate candies’ but in 2000 the company thought they
were just too good to be called ‘plain’ any more). The net weight according to each bag is 1.69 ounces
of goodness or 47.9 grams. I wasn’t concerned with how many ounces or grams I was getting, I was
curious at how many M&M’s came in each bag. Bag number one contained 58; number two contained
65; number three had 57 and the last bag had 56. In each bag all six colors are represented.
The original brown from 1940; red, green and yellow added 20 years later (red was pulled in 1976
due to a red food coloring controversy but rejoined the team in 1987); orange joined the bag in
1976 and finally in a landslide vote for a new color, blue was added in 1995. In my sampling I
got over 50% more blue, green and orange than I got yellow or brown. Red was in the middle of
the pack, literally and figuratively. I find that I have two approaches to eating a bag of M&M’s.
Method #1 is what I like to call ‘Tear and Pour’. I rip the top of the bag open; harder than it
sounds by the way! Sometimes, I have to tear the bag with my teeth and on more than one occasion
have scattered little rays of colorful chocolate all over the place! They may melt in your mouth
and not in your hands but they aren’t very tasty eating them off the ground. Once, I successfully
tear open the bag I then pour the M&M’s into my anxious mouth. Crunch,crunch, chew, crunch, pour,
crunch, crunch, crunch, chew, crunch, pour until I have no more. This approach
has many drawbacks. For one, the moment of chocolate bliss is over much to quick since I have
never mastered the ability to pour an exact amount of M&M’s into my mouth at any one time. I
usually over-pour. The more you over-pour the less rounds of pouring you are going to have- simple
math. And, two, there must be something to the sound an M&M bag makes when it is opened because
I can be all alone on a desert island and the second I’ve got the bag open (remember no small
feat) there will be somebody in my face with there hand out saying ‘ Hey man, how about giving
me a few?’ Of course, you can’t reach in and only grab the two or three you’d like to give them
because they don’t want your hand touching what’s about to go into their mouth. So you got
to try and do a miracle shake depositing just the right amount into their greedy little hand.
(I mean it wasn’t like they found, paid or opened the little fella). And since none of us are
expert pourers of M&M’s, we all over pour which leads to the inevitable exchange of ‘oh no, not that
much, please take some back’, which of course you can’t do because their nasty little hands have touched
them and you don’t want them back! By this time you’re lucky if you’ve got a pour or two left and
any chance at happiness has disappeared because Mars Incorporated, the parent company of M&M’s, hasn’t
figured out how to make opening a bag sound-proof! Method #2 ‘” pick & place. I reach into the bag
grabbing one, two, or three and place them in my mouth. Of course, at some point, I start getting
concerned where the hell my own hands have been, then revert back to method #1 and shake and pour.
One of the saddest moments in my life is when I’ve accidentally eaten the last M&M!
Please do not e-mail me your tales of woe this is my story and all the worlds misery piled one on top
of the other can not compare to that sense of desperation and loss when you’re reaching into your
little bag of M&M’s, fingering both corners, when you realize they are all gone! My God, if I
knew that was my last M&M that I so savagely devoured with out a second thought and swallowed
before the full impact of the sugary candied shell had time to blend with the chocolaty goodness, I
would have taken my time! I would have let it slowly melt in my mouth like the slogan says! I would’ve
swished the little tike all around so I could savor every last bit of ‘tasty’ till it gently
dissolved into nothingness’¦..
We should treat each and every day like it was our last M&M.
Talk to you next time,