My boyfriend and I have known each other since we were 14-years-old. We met online. I lived in CT and he in NY. When he came into my life, I was in a very bad place emotionally. I was depressed all the time and cut and I was just immature and complained all the time. But we fell in love. We didn’t start going out until I was a senior in high school; I was 18, him 19. We didn’t even exchange pictures until I was 16. We even went almost a year without talking. But our friendship kept up and we fell right back into place.
Anyway, I moved out the day after graduation- moved into his house with his mom. It was amazing- he was so excited about me being there- he had to show me all the places where he grew up and went to school and hung out. He showed me off to his friends. We made out constantly- we’re so in love. But I was unhappy; I hadn’t ever spend more than 2 days away from my family- he loved me far more than I loved him. I was still cutting- but lying to him about it. Doing it in places where he wouldn’t see. I ended up treating him so badly- him and his family. And now looking back on it, I feel so horribly.
I ended up going back and forth between CT and NY. He would bawl his eyes out and get so upset, he’d throw up. He told me he need me and he wished I could see him as family. This continued 2 years into our relationship. We moved out- moved into our own place, but my emotional problems continued to plague our relationship. He started pulling away. But things started getting better. I grew stronger now that I was use to being on my own- he finally got through to me on the cutting thing and I stopped. Things were going good- he was so sweet. We’d go on midnight walks along the canal paths and write each other little notes and my friends were jealous- they said it was like we were in our own little world speaking a language of kisses and batting eyelashes.
On our 2 years, we drove down to CT to see my family and when it came time to leave, I freaked out. I didn’t want to go. I stood crying in the kitchen to my mom and dad about how mean he was and all this. But finally my mom calmed me down and told me to leave with him. I ended up going home and he was so nice on the way back upstate. He held my hand and was wiping away my tears and just comforting him.
A few months later he said he needed a break- he wasn’t in love with me anymore- he wanted his freedom. He started talking about not wanting to become his father and he was so confused and didn’t know what he wanted. But his actions contradicted his words. He flirted with me constantly and always had to be touching me. But I was heartbroken. I couldn’t stop crying- I figured it was best if I went home for a little while and focused on myself. So I went home for 2 and 1/2 months. I was still upset and still called him all the time, but things were getting better. He was talking to me and seemed happy over the phone.
I came back to NY and 4 weeks later, he kisses me and tells me that people say things they don’t mean sometimes and he was still in love with me. Things were going really great- we made out all the time- came close to having sex (would have been the 1st time for both of us) and we were even talking about marriage. I actually asked him to marry me and he said that he wanted to wait a year and was really happy about it and kept hugging me and for the next week was talking about how if I wanted to be part of the family, I’d have to start communicating with them more. And he told me he loved me all the time. He told me I was fun and goofy and beautiful.
And then 4 months later on our 33 months- I write him a card and I jokingly mentioned the marriage thing again and the next thing I know, he starts pulling away again- it was like instant. I confront him and he tells me that he doesn’t seem me in his future. I was emotional at first, but then I was like okay. Well, lets just be happy and see how this plays out. I ended up breaking up with him because he was being stupid and wouldn’t talk to me. I told him he had the emotional maturity of a three-year-old and that he need to grow up. I also told him that I wasn’t playing his head games anymore and I wasn’t going to be used.
Now it’s like he’s flirting with me and using our little nicknames and smiling and laughing and getting closer. I keep catching him looking at me when I’m not looking- and there’s just something in his eyes. He’s always trying to hard to make me laugh and he seems to have a lot of trouble talking to me normally- he’s acting like he has a crush- like all awkward and quiet and he can’t look me in the eye. He’s all smiles though and he refers to us as a we and constantly talks about the future and mentions both of us. He lets me kiss his cheek and his forehead and rub his back and give him hugs and just hang off of him. I still call him honey and sweetie and all our little nicknames. It’s kinda like we’re boyfriend/girlfriend just without the title or kissing.
I actually sat down and had a conversation without getting emotional or fighting with him about us. I told him pretty much all that was on my chest- and he didn’t say anything, but he was tired. He sat there in the chair with his eyes closed listening to me and mumbling responses. It’s the same exact way he was acting before we got back together the last time.
And I don’t know what he wants from me. I don’t know if he wants to get back together or what. I don’t know if I should walk away from this relationship and keep fighting. I don’t want to get back into the relationship just to have him do this again- it hurts too much. I may be smiling on the outside, but my heart is hurting.
Last night I got kinda emotional, because I’m on my period and I get wicked PMS and I apologized for the way I behaved and told him that I was menstrual and that my behavior shouldn’t be held against me, in kind of a joking manner and he laughed. But then I told him that if he didn’t want to try, then to stop acting like he did and he continued to act like he did, so I don’t know what that means.
Did I ruin this relationship? This man means so much to me- I can’t think of myself with anyone else. I have so much respect for him. My gut tells me not to give up; that he’s worth the fight- but I don’t know what he wants. I don’t know if I should come right out and talk to him, or just work on the friendship. I’m such a different person from when we met, I’m 20-years-old; I’m strong emotionally, know how to keep my emotions in check (except around that time of the month), I know what I want out of life. I’m very positive and just a better person all around. I don’t want to lose him- but I don’t know what to do either. Should I give him time to get to know the real me? HELP?!
It’s time to move on. You two have been through many emotional ups and downs and grown up together. You both are crutches for each other, but it’s time to grow on your own. If you are ever meant to be, you will find each other again. For now, it’s time for a true break. You are young and have a lot of living to do before settling down. Find who you are without him and enjoy yourself.
All the best,