Today is Monday, January 24, 2005. It’s 10:05 AM. This past weekend, there I
was, standing in line at Victoria’s Secret holding eight pair of thong
underwear, when’¦(this might be a good time to interrupt and get a few things
off my chest.)
1. Men, for the most part, don’t like to go shopping with their wives.
2. If we go shopping with you, remember that ‘shopping’ is way different
than ‘underwear shopping.’
3. Should we agree to go underwear shopping with you, we want to stay out
of the store until you are done.
4. Should we enter the store, PLEASE, PLEASE, under no circumstances, ask
us to hold your purse, panties, bras, thongs or anything else with lace.
We have our dignity.
5. Should we actually be stupid enough to hold your underwear, DO NOT, I
repeat, DO NOT ask us to get in line without you in order to speed the
6. Should we actually agree to get in line holding thong underwear so you
can get the last unmentionable you need, PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE, don’t
wander too far away; we may need rescuing.
And now back to my story:
‘Mr. Cuellar, Mr. Cuellar,’ I heard a young voice say. As I turned around, I
saw a 15-year-old blonde-haired young lady extending her hand to shake mine
(which I forgot was holding the thong underwear). ‘How’s it going, Mr.
Cuellar? Do you remember me? I was in your Junior Achievement class last
year.’ (I teach economics to 8th graders at a local junior high every year.)
‘Well, how’s it going?’ I said. ‘You must be in 9th grade this year. How
does it feel to be a freshman in high school?’ ‘Oh, it’s great! Suzi! (Not
her real name) Come over here. Do you remember Suzi? She was in your class,
too.’ ‘Oh, hi. How’s it going?’ I said, wondering where my wife was and
praying she would walk up immediately, if not sooner. ‘Oh, we’re fine,’ said
Suzi, ‘Just doing a little shopping; great sale going on.’
At that minute, my wife finally walked up. ‘Honey! Where have you been? I
was just being the good husband and holding a place in line for my wife. Have
you guys met my wife?’ After introductions, the young ladies went on their
way and I handed off the thongs to my wife. When I turned around, a couple of
old biddies who had been giggling through the whole event spoke up. ‘Tough
way to run into your students.’ ‘Yeah,’ I agreed. ‘Look on the bright side,’
the eldest of the two said, ‘at least they know the thongs weren’t for you!’
More laughter from the peanut gallery. ‘Not that you’d fit into them
anyway!’ Massive laughter.
‘Next!’ The sales clerk announced. In less than 30 minutes I had not only
been to Humiliationville, but had gotten the keys to the city. And that
final ‘crack’ that I was obviously too fat to wear those thongs took the
cake! I bet if I really stretched them I could’¦oh well, never mind. This has
been another exciting day in the life of The Diamond Guy„¢.
Happy Valentine’s Day,
P.S. I always pick the winner for each Superbowl, so I won’t disappoint you.
Take the Eagles plus the 6 Â½; the Patriots used up all their bullets on the