The Art of Lying to Your Wife

All right, I admit the title to this article doesn’t sound good. I’ll even use the words “deceptive” or “dishonest”; maybe “disingenuous” sounds better. But, if the male species is to survive we need to know the top five times a bold face lie to our woman is required if we are to stay in a long, loving relationship. How would you respond to the following scenarios?

Scenario #1:
It’s 11:30, lights out, you’ve just finished watching Leno and you’ve given your wife a good night kiss. A few minutes pass… you’re drifting off…when you suddenly hear your Boo Bear say, “Honey, if I ever died would you ever remarry?” What do you do?

A. Pretend to be asleep.
B. Tell her that “A love match like ours can never be replaced”.
C. Tell her that after an appropriate mourning period you would naturally begin to socialize.

Scenario #2:
You’re invited to your ten-year class reunion. Your woman squeezes into her old cheerleading outfit and remarks, “My goodness! It still fits! How do I look? Do I look fat?” Would you say:

A. Maybe we need to call Jenny Craig.
B. It’s like we’ve gone back in time. You’ve never looked so beautiful.
C. The word “Oink” comes to mind.

 

Scenario #3:

It’s your anniversary and your wife has surprised you with a candle lit dinner for two. As you cut into the Cornish game hen dust rises from the incision you’ve just made. As you take your first bite you’re reminded of the Sahara Desert. “How do you like it? I’ve slaved over a hot stove for four hours.” What do you say?

A. It’s a little dry.
B. It’s delicious! Are you related to Julia Child?
C. Even the contestants on “Survivor” would pass on this bird.

Scenario #4:
Your wife’s best friend just completed her thesis towards her Ph.D. Your spouse ponders whether her own accomplishments in life are as worthy and asks, “Honey, in the big scheme of things do I make a difference?” Do you say:

A. In this big crazy world we live in who’s to say what matters and
what doesn’t?
B. Didn’t you drop out after the 6th grade?
C. You make a difference to me and anyone else who is lucky enough to come in contact with you.

Scenario #5:
After your wife’s best friend receives her new Ph.D., her husband pops for a new rack and face-lift for her. Your wife is appalled and says, “I can’t believe it, first she tries to prove she’s smarter than everyone else and now she’s trying to look 20 years younger. Why won’t she just grow old gracefully? Honey, do I need a face-lift?” What do you say?

A. Does the Mona Lisa need a new coat of paint? Of course not!
B. No, I like the wrinkles. They show experience and wisdom.
C. What I think we’re dealing with here is a tear down.

There are five areas where telling the truth may be detrimental to your health. Discussing your wife’s mortality, weight, age, accomplishments or her cooking. Tread softly. If the truth hurts and it usually does, keep your mouth shut or tell a lie. While honesty is usually the best policy, staying alive and your wife’s happiness is a bigger priority.

by Fred Cuellar the Diamond Guy®