Snuggler’s Blues

I’ll be the first one to admit my wife has Snuggler’s Blues. Snuggler’s Blues is when a snuggler marries a non-snuggler and feels deprived. You see, there are a lot of us men that are two pillow men. When we go to sleep at night, we have one pillow to hold and one for under the head. Snugglers want us to nix the snuggle pillow and snuggle them. Here are the males’ problems:

The dead arm: When we enter into an official snuggle (spooning) inevitably a man’s arm gets pinned under his mate’s body where it quickly falls asleep, becomes numb and goes into shock.

The inferno: A man is generally carrying around a few extra pounds of insulation and when his body comes into contact with another body, he heats up. Look, bears go into hibernation because they’re cold which then allows them to get a good night’s sleep. Heat up a bear and he won’t be able to sleep. A man is no different. Some of the biggest fights my wife and I have are over what temperature to keep the thermostat in the house.

Incapacitation: Men need to alter between three positions during a good night’s sleep (side to side, belly flop and flat on the back). If a snuggler ambushes a non-snuggler during one of these positions, he feels trapped. Trapped in a position that any moment he may decide needs to be changed and he will find himself unable to escape. Trapped position equals no sleep.

Now it may appear to the average observer that being a non-snuggler myself, I’m trying to defend my position (no pun intended) and you’d be right. But I am not unsympathetic to the snuggler who equates snuggling with intimacy and non-snuggling with being a jerk. Look, us non-snugglers are just trying to get a good night’s sleep. Obviously there needs to be a compromise so I think I’ve concocted a plan. Fifteen to thirty minutes of snuggle time prior to lights out, then break to separate corners or possibly set your clock thirty minutes early in the morning and snuggle then.

I want to live in a world where snugglers and non-snugglers can come together as one and live as happy people. I want to live in a world where a man is not judged by the color of his skin. Oh, wait a minute; I’m getting carried away. How do you solve Snuggler’s Blues? Compromise.

by Fred Cuellar the Diamond Guy®