She looks like an angel, she walks like an angel, she talks like an angel. But she’s a devil in disguise! Oh yes, she is a devil in disguise! If these words sound familiar, they’re from an old Elvis Presley song but they still ring true today. How can a fella know when he’s got a catch or needs to throw her back? Sometimes it’s difficult to tell but the rejects will always tip their hand before the dealing is done. Let me share a few of my favorite stories when some women dropped their guard to reveal their true intentions.
Story I: Woody Allen & The Playboy Bunny
“Mr. Cuellar, your next client is here. Shall I bring them back?” Asked Lesa, my assistant.
“Bring away,” I replied as I quickly made an attempt to clean up my always messy desk.
When I looked up I saw one of the most striking, intriguing couples I had ever seen. She was bombshell, Marilyn Monroe type, hour glass figure, tight black leather pants and a purple tube top that defied gravity.
He, on the other hand, ten years her senior, 5’6”, comb over, “Woody Allen” glasses, 98 pounds dripping wet, short sleeve baby-blue shirt, pocket protector and charcoal gray shiny polyester pants hiked up so high, they were looking for a flood. She was attached to his arm like an extra appendage and kept repeating, “Oh baby, Oh baby, I love you, I love you so much.”
As I asked them to be seated, I couldn’t get over wondering what was this guy’s secret. Genius? Wealthy? Lover extraordinaire? Who cares! This looked like the real thing. She hung on his every word and laughed at every corny joke. I was impressed. Love is blind! It conquers all boundaries. Good for Woody! Good for all men who aren’t tall enough, buff enough, or handsome enough! This was victory for geeks and freaks everywhere.
Until…“Mr. Cuellar,” he said.
“Call me Fred.”
“Can you point me the restroom?”
“Sure, go out of my office and take your second left.”
“I’ll be right back honey!”
“Hurry back love muffin, I’ll be here,” she replied.
As I returned to my seat from letting my new hero out, Marilyn’s demeanor changed instantly. “So how long you been in this diamond biz?”
“Most of my life,” I replied.
“Must be raking it in huh?”
“I do okay,” I replied.
“Look I can break free from the dufous in a heartbeat. Let’s hook up.”
“What? You’re here getting an engagement ring. What the hell are you talking about?”
“Ah, I’m just here getting the ring, then I’m splittin!”
“Mr. Cuellar, can I let your client back in?” Lesa rung in on the intercom. Within seconds the couple was reunited and so did the game. “Oh baby, youz was gone so long, you know better than to leave honey bunny so long,” as she gave me a wink and a smile.
How your woman acts when she’s not around you is probably more important than how she does when she’s with you. Always look at both sides of the coin.
Story II: Big Rock or I Walk
Having just finished lunch, my next clients were already seated in my office waiting for me when I joined them.
“Hi guys, how’s everything going? I’m Fred Cuellar.”
“I’m looking for a 3ct round VVS-1, D diamond and not a bit less,” she snapped back.
“Well,” I said, “The lady knows her diamonds! How does that sound to you sir?”
“It doesn’t make a difference to him, he’s just here to write the check!”
“Sounds like the rough part,” I replied.
He smiled, she didn’t.
“Well, I guess we better get down to it, let’s pull out some diamonds.” I reached in my drawer, pulled out a lovely 2ct diamond, placed it in a mounting and handed it over. “Here you go a beautiful 3ct VVS-1, D round diamond just like the lady ordered!”
She smiled, it would be her last. “You see, now that’s a rock, that’s what I’m talking about!” she said.
“Really,” I replied. “Do you think you could be happy with that?”
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “It fits my hand like a glove.”
“Well that’s wonderful because you’ll be glad to know it’s really a 2ct not a 3ct and that should save you over $10,000!”
He smiled, she didn’t.
“What!” she bellowed, “You said it was a 3ct!”
“I lied, just wanted to see if you could tell the difference and since you can’t, might as well save the money.”
“Look, I don’t know what your up to, but either I get a 3ct or I walk.”
It was probably wrong of me to stick my nose where it didn’t belong. Maybe I should have pulled out a 3ct from the get go and let this couple be on their way. But she angered me. I knew going in this wasn’t a man of great wealth having talked to him previously on the phone. He was 39, never married before and was going to have to get a loan to purchase the ring. So when she started spouting demands, I guess I lost my cool. What’s the lesson here? Love doesn’t come with a price tag.
Story III: A Class Act
“Miss Ward is on the phone,” chimed Lesa.
“Any idea who she is?” I asked.
“Says her fiancé bought a diamond from you and would like to talk to you.”
“Put her through.”
“Fred Cuellar here!”
“Hi, Mr. Cuellar, I, I…don’t know where to start,” and she began to cry.
“Calm down, calm down, whatever the problem is, I’m sure we can fix it. Just start at the beginning.”
“Well, you see, last night my boyfriend proposed to me, it was so wonderful. Dinner, dancing and your beautiful ring!”
“Sounds pretty good so far, what’s the problem?” I said.
“He can’t afford it, I know he can’t. He’s between jobs and he just went over board.”
“Well,” I said, “Have you told this to him?”
“Oh no, he’s so proud of my diamond, how he researched it, shopped around, it would just crush him!”
“Well what can I do?”
“I’d like to give you some money, then have you call him and tell him you over charged him and need to return some of his money.”
“You see,” she said, “he has a job interview coming up and he needs a new suit. With the money he gets back, he can get the suit and hopefully get the job. The diamond is pretty, but I have to take care of my man.”
The good ones always pick you up when you fall, the great ones don’t let you fall at all.
Tall dark and handsome? Knight in shining armor? Or a dude like a spud? Ladies now it’s your turn. For every woman playing games, there are probably ten men who have mastered the art of deception. Here are my stories.
Story I: The List
One late Friday afternoon, I sat down with a man I affectionately call the “List taker.” Not really very different than most anal retentive men you’d ever meet with the exception that this man had gone too far. His life had become a list; a list of pros and cons, checks and balances, pluses and minuses. Every action, a carefully scripted response to a plan that must have been meticulously thought out over and over.
“Mr. Cuellar, it appears it’s time for me to get married, so I’m going to need a diamond.”
“Congratulations, who’s the lucky lady?”
“Don’t have one,” he replied, “But I will.”
“Wait a minute, don’t you have this backwards, first you find the girl, then you get the diamond?”
“Nope, the girl will be the easy part. Plenty of women looking to be a homemaker. But to get her, I’m going to need a diamond.”
“Do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Shoot!” he said.
“Where does love fall into all of this?”
“Haven’t you heard?” he replied.
“What?” I said.
“Only fools fall in love, marriage is a partnership, a legal agreement to share responsibilities. You know two heads are better than one. Love is nothing more than a fancy word for convenience.”
Don’t want to be lonely? Get a pet. Need a homemaker? Hire a maid. Love is not convenience. Love is magic.
Story II: What She Won’t Know, Won’t Hurt Her
“Good morning, what can I do for you two today?”
“Well, my name is Max and this is my fiancé.”
We’re getting married at the end of the year and whatever kind of diamond my lady wants, she gets.”
“What size would you like to start with?” I asked.
“We want a big one because the best deserves the best. Let’s try 5cts.”
“Oh honey!, she exclaimed, “I don’t need a big diamond, in fact any size will do.”
“Nope,” he said again, “The best deserves the best, price is no object!”
Within 30 minutes, they had chosen a lovely 6ct platinum and diamond ring for $82,000. He pulled out his platinum American express card for the deposit and they were on their way. I don’t think I had ever seen a smile as wide as hers when she left. Then came the phone call. It was about an hour later.
“This is Max.”
“Oh, hi Max, any questions that need answering that I didn’t cover?”
“Nope, just one adjustment.”
“What’s that,” I said.
“Please exchange the diamonds out for cubic zirconias. What she won’t know, won’t hurt her.”
Not everything we see we should believe and not everything we believe can be seen. Trust everyone but cut the deck.
Story III: The Shoe Box
Mr. Schwartz stood all of 5 feet 4 inches tall. By the age of 64, he had been married 42 years, had two daughters and four grand children. He had been an industrial engineer (garbage collector) since he dropped out of high school to marry his childhood sweetheart that would soon be having their first child. I still remember the first day I met him. I commented on his “Members Only” jacket that had been all the rage in the 70’s.
“Oh, this old thing, you’d be surprised what people throw away. Sylvia, that’s my wife, just sewed up a torn pocket and bada bing, bada boom, good as new.”
The second thing that I noticed was an old tan shoe box under his arm. When he laid it down on my desk, I saw scribbled in pencil on the top were the words “rainbows end.”
“You’re wondering what’s inside aren’t ya son?”
“Maybe a little bit,” I replied.
“Well let me tell you, it’s the vacation we never took, the fancy meals we passed up and a lifetime of bottles and cans that these two hands drug home. That there is the 1ct diamond ring I told her she would get someday.”
“Go ahead count it up and be quick about it, my wife’s waited long enough for her diamond rainbow.”
A new 1ct good quality diamond those days was going for over $6,000. This box must be filled with thousands, more than enough for Sylvia’s dream diamond. As I started counting the cash there were more $10’s than $20’s and more $1’s than $5’s. And at the end of my count there was exactly $2,231.55. He was short, there would be no 1ct diamond, not with what was in the box. Maybe in the late 1950’s this would be more than enough for the diamond of their dreams, but not in today’s market. The best they could get would be a 1/2ct.
“Well son, do I have enough? When can I pick up my 1ct diamond ring?”
“Let’s see, $2,231.55, that will just cover it, you can pick up the ring tomorrow.”
A good man keeps his promises even if it takes a lifetime and if you’re ever in the position to save a dream do it.
All the stories in this article are true with the exception of name changes.
by Fred Cuellar, author of the best-selling book “How to Buy a Diamond.” More questions? Ask the Diamond Guy®